Well now, I'm a average guy, regular Joe, just like you,
Except I've always dreamed of joining those good ol' boys in blue
I pack myself a pistol and I stalk the city streets
Until one night a young man I did meet

Well this young man, now he looks off, yeah he looks odd
So I says to him you better make your peace with God
Now I admit, I might've gotten a little hot
And that young man ended up getting shot!

That's when the Police Chief says "I like your gumption, son!"
He hands me a rifle and sends me off to Ferguson

And that's when my education had really begun
M16's and APCs, oh boy what fun!
I got to play policeman, now I'm playing army, too!
All my childhood dreams, have finally come true!

Now I admit, I might've gotten a little hot
And a couple of those buggers ended up getting got shot
We sent out a letter to each of the bereaved
And the Police Chief gave me 6 months paid leave

That's when the Army Recruiter calls me up and says to me
Said "We could use a crack shot in the infantry!"

So here I am in sunny Aghanistan
I'm sure we'll finish up what the Soviets began
I pop their turbans off, one by one
And I come back home until my magazine is done!

That's when I got a call from friendly Israel
And Netanyahu says: "Boy, you really wanna thrill?
That whole sniper business, it's really overblown
You'll have a better time, bombing weddings with my drones"

That's when I get a call for my expertise
"We could use you on our Board of Trustees
We need to teach our people how to build Apartheid"
I shook his hand and I gladly obliged!

So all you snot-nosed whiners, all you fucked college kids
I'm proud, I'm glad that I did what I did
My glory is eternal, I'll have everlasting fame
And the films made in my honour will have critical acclaim!

And that's when I get a call from the True North, Strong and Free,
and the venerable Mr. Harper says he wants to be more like me

Well I heard you had some problems out there in Quebec,
You had a good start calling for the protesters deaths
Well your weapons aren't quite lethal, but we solved this back in G8
You just grab a tear gun canister, and you shoot them in the face!

Now I must admire your commitment to the Middle East
Hiding in your cabinet, you've been very brave, to say the least
The way you dive in after us, oh! You warm my heart!
You send your men to kill and die for a war you didn't start

Now all these heroics leave me tired, truth be told
It's time that I address you as good ol' Canadol

When we first came to this country, when we got off the boat
They put us into a courtroom and they made us swear and oath
Loyalty to Queen and Country - well what a fucking joke!
What loyalty do I owe you now, that my citizenship can be revoked?

We left our families, left our countries, worked our fingers to the bone
And we've earned the right to call this land our home

Maybe I don't understand you, after all I'm not old stock,
But don't think for a minute that I'll believe your schlock
You can preach fear and hatred until your face turns blue,
But the only thing I'm afraid of is 9 more years of you!

Now Trudeau promises he'll fight this, but only after election day,
No, no, I understand - you don't want to make political hay!
Why don't you join the circus? Leave politics behind!
You're the first man to walk upright without a fucking spine!

So if you're close to these jackals, please let me take your place!
I'd like to return the favour, and spit in their Goddamn faces!